California Mondioring's Humor,
Doggie-Style
WARNING!!!! If you have no sense of humor, are easily offended, or are overly
pc -
GO AWAY AND COME BACK WHEN YOU LIGHTEN UP!
The rest of us realize that humor is great medicine, especially at the times when it is hardest to laugh.......
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New Funny Fotos - Thanks Kathy & friends xoxoxoox
shooter
Busted (see below:)
Disco Dog
Two
Faced Bitch
no tricks
here
sweet thing
Dog eat
dog
live
object & food refusal?
American
weeni
"Roll" Models 
see ya!!!
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Memo to my dogs
Dear Dogs:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of dogs sleeping - they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition,
I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time,
are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars
for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.
The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
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WARNING: Watch your dog! Dogs are being picked off one at a time.They are falling in great numbers.Police all over the province advise all dog owners to "Watch yourDog".
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Newsflash! A Presa owner reportedly has house broken or should say trained her pup to be obedient. It seems the pup would defecate on the floor everyday, whereupon the owner would scruff the dog and then throw it out the window. After four or five incidents and the prescribed treatments, the pup now runs in, does his business on the floor and immediately jumps out the window! from http://www.showstopperkennels.com/presaTales.htm
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http://www.petsorfood.com/mammals.shtml - it's just a joke for goodness sake!!!!
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pet-jit-su 
find
the cat
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QUESTIONS ABOUT TRAINING METHODS
LEAD TO STATE BUDGET CUTS
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A fellow upon seeing a sign in front of a country house: "Talking Dog
for Sale" rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in
no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was
one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really
tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife,
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
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Why you have to hide things from your dog / A new thought on the retrieve
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Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty
all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob,
don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with one of their
patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..." But
invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality..."Bob, you're
a veterinarian
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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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How To Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly wash the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of the shampoo to the toiled water and have both
lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand in the lid so he cannot escape).
CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS
WILL BE REACHING OUT FOR ANY SURFACE THEY CAN FIND.
NOTE: THE CAT WILL SELF AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES
THAT COME FROM THE TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
5. flush the toilet three of four times. This provides a "power wash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift both lids. (using
a wooden or metal handle of some sort, preferably!)
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.
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Schutzhund Humor http://www.finographics.com/schutzhund/humor.html
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All dogs go to heaven, but, the great ones get the best decoys -Dan Karas
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Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's
a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how
you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most
important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs understand what "no" means.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.* Dogs do not have problems expressing
affection in public.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs don't criticize your friends.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
* No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
* You can house train a dog.
* Dogs are easy to buy for.
* Dogs are good with kids.
* Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
* Dogs do not read at the table.
* Dogs don't correct your stories.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs like your size.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs take care of their own needs.
* Dogs are color blind.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don't care how you dress.
* Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both like to chew wood.
* Both mark their territory.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
* Neither do dishes.
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.
* Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Why Men Are Better Than Dogs
* Men only have two feet to track in mud.
* Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the
block.
* Men open their own cans.
* Dogs have dog breath ALL the time.
* Men can do math stuff.
* Holiday Inns accept men.
* Men don't eat cat turds on the sly
TOP REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
11. A dog thinks you are funny when you are drunk
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog [The author doesn't
know *my* dog.]
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most
effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
pictured below - Red Neck Car Alarm
Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot--no greater bliss--
well, Maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.
The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
You may call them fleas,
But they are far more--I call
Them a vocation.
My owners' mood is
Romantic--I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
What's black and tan and has four legs and an arm?
-a rottweiller
pictured below, WORST HUNTING DOG
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Dogaholics Anonymous
Good Evening.
My name is "Helen" and I AM a Dogaholic.
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Dogaholics Anonymous.
Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here.
You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need
any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder
to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you.
I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car? Did you buy that car because of your Dogs?
Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, OTCH, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, NA,
OA, AX, MX, NAJ, OAJ, AXJ, MXJ, MACH, CH, BH, Br, FR, Sch, Mondio?
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars? Trials?
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember theirname?
Do you find non dog people boring?
Do you subscribe to an internet dog mailing list?????
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring
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A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all sitting down together. They also all happened to be pregnant! The brunette said "I must be having a boy because my huband was on top!" The redhead said "I must be having a girl because I was on top!" The blonede then started crying!!! Quite concerned the other two women asked what was wrong!! In between sobs she replied "I'm going tohave puppies!!!!"
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What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
-a rottweiller
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Pictured above - Experiementation with socialization and imprinting may lead to species identity issues.
In the same vein, Super kids are turned into decoys at an early age, insuring the supply of decoys in the states is always there. Smaller dogs are trained for airplane anti terrorist missions. These dogs are social and non intimidating to the general public, but are able to jump to the throat when given the command. American Airlines is considering hiring the litter in training (seen in photo below )for the Fall of 2002.
Pictured below, NO ONE is above suspicion.....
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
> Day number 180
> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> Day number 181
> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> Day number 182
> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> 0:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
> DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced
to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,
and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
> DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
> DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan.
> DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
> DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.."More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it
> DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time......
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The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have gotten
numerous calls.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm
a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when
you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an eight-week-old
black LABRADOR retriever......
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A little boy was in the park with his dad when they saw a pair of dogs mating. The boy asked the dad what they were doing and he replied " They are making a puppy". Later that night, the boy woke and went into his parent's room and found them having sex. He asked what they were doing, and dad replied "We are making you alittle sister or brother". The boy considered this and replied "Why don't you turn mommy over, I would rather have a puppy"
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How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either sideof cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's
mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take
away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the
carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down
pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill
1. Wrap it in bacon, cheese, peanut butter, meat or just about anything.
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Dog letters to God
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often
do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed
cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle
the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still
a bad dog?
Dear God,
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's
he been rolling around in?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,
clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight
paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the
moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across
the street.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up
our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless
mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have
you noticed my own blessing?
Dear God,
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the
cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would
be good for my self-esteem.
Dear God,
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling
my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since
they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart
sell lie detectors?
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Things I must remember as a dog for the doggie lovers and the doggie havers!
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it
up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the
house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the
way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the
backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with
it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's
license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to
avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just
getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
hello!
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right
thing to do!
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their
head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the
water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing
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Thanks for jokes and pics from Kathy O, Michael Weiss, Anna Carson, Mikee Barger, Vince and Lydia Nelles, Debbie Van Slambrook, MarieCruise. Chrystal Peters and all the future supporters of humor doggie style!!!!!